The Skinny Betch Diet or Confessions of a Fat Chick

Today was supposed to be Day 14 of my Atkins Diet which was going to melt away all of my fat until I could fit into the cute cheap clothes in the Not Fat Chick section of Target. I long for that day. I had commitment to the diet, but my stomach had other ideas. I would be on the diet for about 3 days, then nausea and diarrhea would ensue and would only go away if I ingested a glob of carbs, like a biscuit or piece of pizza. This happened 3 times in the last 2 weeks, so I'm giving up that ghost.

Instead of Atkins Diet, Day 14, it is now The Skinny Betch Diet, Day -6. It's Day -6 because I'll be starting it on Monday the 23rd. I need that time to actually develop the diet, see. I also need that time to eat up all the stuff that I'm pretty sure Skinny Betches don't eat. For instance, I have a bag of Mother's Circus Animal frosted cookies on my desk as I write this. No, the irony isn't lost at all, I'm just ignoring it.

Never having been a particularly Skinny Betch myself, I'm not sure what they eat. I'm pretty sure they don't single-handedly eat entire bags of frosted cookies, though. I'm also fairly certain they don't eat half a pizza in a sitting. In fact, the single-most prevalent thing I notice about Skinny Betches when they eat is that they eat a bite, then talk for 20 minutes, then eat another bite, then talk for another 20 minutes, then they take another bite, declare themselves to be Fat Cows, then they throw the rest away. Unless, of course, there is a Fat Chick at the table, in which case the Skinny Betch will ask the Fat Chick, with not one speck of guile, if the Fat Chick would like to finish her meal; she hates to throw food away if she doesn't have to.

Another thing I've noticed is that Skinny Betches have no problem going to a Denny's and ordering weird. Like, "I'd like the fish & chips, but can you poach the fish instead of frying it? And instead of tarter sauce, can I have lemon juice and a side order of light ranch dressing, and can I just have half of the normal french fries and then a very small salad, also with lemon and a side of light ranch dressing and croutons on the side. And a Diet Coke." Always a Diet Coke - I have that one licked! Skinny Betches are Skinny because they order food like this and only eat half of it. They are Betches because they make somebody else cook it. They can also split a single dessert 4 ways and still have half of it left on the dish, citing mutual Fat Cow-ness as the reason for leaving it. I'm not good at that one at all!

Also, disproportionate amounts of them seem to play volleyball. That's not happening unless there's a Wii version.