Skinny Betches DANCE!

My middle child and oldest daughter is a Skinny Betch. She's my fact-checker. She also sends me Skinny Betch fun-facts from time to time. Like, Skinny Betches shop at Trader Joe's. Which leads me to one of my own observations about Skinny Betches:

Skinny Betches are usually young, unmarried, and childless. I'm not stating this to give myself an excuse for being a Fat Chick. Rather, I'm wondering what happens in a woman's brain when she gets married and has kids. In my research, I've noticed that Skinny Betches ARE HAPPY being Skinny Betches. Does that change with marriage and kids? I honestly don't know; as I've said, I've never been a Skinny Betch, so I don't have any point of reference.

Now, I know that this isn't true of all married Skinny Betch mothers. My best friend in all the world is a Skinny Betch. She's happily married with two beautiful daughters and at a couple years younger than I, she's a freaking tri-athelete. And I know for a fact, she shops at Trader Joe's!

Here's why I don't shop at Trader Joe's: They are a little more expensive, they aren't anywhere near anyplace I ever need to be, they have less of a variety of the things I need as a single mother/student/full-time in-home day-care provider (easy to cook stuff that kids will eat), and their produce, while beautiful and organic, doesn't last as long as non-organic produce which would mean I have to shop more often. While these things aren't problematic for most Skinny Betches, for this Fat Chick, it just isn't my best option.

So, I wonder what good it will do me to THINK like a Skinny Betch if I can't shop like one....

Skinny Betch daughter also sent me this nugget of wisdom: Skinny Betches dance!

Well, guess what! So do Fat Chicks! We just don't dance where anybody can see us. It's embarrassing. Not to mention dangerous. The potential danger of swinging arm-fat alone is enough to deter even the most intrepid of Fat Chicks; who needs THAT lawsuit hanging over her head?

I applauded the courage of Marissa Winokur and Kirstie Alley when they were on their respective seasons of Dancing with the Stars. I was especially impressed with Kirstie when Max Chmerablah-blah fell under her weight during their rumba, and she just got up and went on as if she didn't know that the whole country was watching and judging and criticizing and probably laughing at her pathetic fatness. And didn't she get the last laugh? She lost all her excess weight and she's HOT now, and back at doing what she loves to do and making loads of money doing it! Good for her!

Kirstie's courage wasn't in dancing; it was in choosing to dance in the most humiliating fashion imaginable. I'm pretty sure I don't have that courage. I know I don't, actually.

I do dance, though. I dance with my youngest all the time, because she dances all the time and she makes me. Also, my mother got me a dance game for my Wii for Christmas. I love it! It's a good cardio workout that doesn't feel like a cardio workout. It's fun, it feeds my competitive nature, and it allows me to dance where it is safe for everybody.

So, I weighed myself today and I'm proud to say that I have lost 4 pounds in the last week! YAY! I've done pretty well with eating better. There was one night that I ate an entire fully-loaded Chipotle burrito in one sitting, but because I knew what I was doing when I did it (meaning, I didn't fool myself into believing that what I was eating wasn't that big of a deal), I ate much less the next day to balance out the calorie overload. I'm not hydrating enough yet, but more than I was, and I haven't seen the inside of an elevator for an entire week! I must say, the first couple of days on the stairs were murderous, but by Friday it was much less painful. Not easy, just let painful.

I have a guy friend who used to weigh more than I do now, and he's now a very healthy and normal weight. I told him once that when I look in the mirror, I don't see myself as the Fat Chick I must be in order to wear the size of clothes that I do. He told me that when he looks in the mirror, he still sees the Fat Dude he used to be. I was absolutely shocked to learn that another friend of mine wears a size 16; I would have sworn on my life that she was larger than I am, but it turns out I'm MUCH larger than she is.

This is how deluded I have allowed myself to be. The psychology of self-image is some strong ju-ju. I think if I can get to the root of that, I might get this licked. I got another app on my iPad that sort of brought me face to face with my own delusions. I entered my weight and height and it gave me an illustrated picture of what I look like. I asked my youngest if this picture was how I looked. She was almost sad when she nodded her head. I just nodded my head back and said, "OK..... ok". Then I cried.

I'm not trying to beat myself up with my fatness. Honestly I'm not. I'm just not sure I can do this, that I can WANT to be a Skinny Betch ENOUGH to stick with this if I don't accept the full reality of what I have become. I've noticed that I have to keep doing it over and over, because I forget. I walk through the emotional fire of acceptance and I think I've got it, then I go to bed and wake up having forgotten the fire entirely.

But Skinny Betches DANCE.... They dance like nobody is watching. Fat Chicks dance like everybody is watching, and most of the people watching are pointing and laughing. But my goal isn't to just acknowledge my Fat Chick-ness, but learn to be and think like a Skinny Betch. I mean, I don't have to rumba, right?