Whole 30 - Mission Completion!

Skinny Betches work at it.

September 4th, 2012 was the day I began my Whole 30 challenge.  I embarked upon a dietary journey of whole foods, limited to meat, veggies, fruit, and nuts.  NO grains or grain derivatives, NO dairy, NO legumes, NO sugars of any kind (except the one diet coke I couldn't quite make myself quit).

October 4th, 2012 was the day my Whole 30 Challenge ended.  Here are the things I noticed over the course of the 30 days:

• Within 4 - 5 days I was no longer craving foods that are not on the plan.  Even while preparing meals for kids that don't eat green things, I wasn't compelled to cheat.  I confess to taking a bite of Mac & Cheese, but only out of habit, not consuming desire to do so.
• I had more energy.
• I still had munchies during the lady days, but not cravings.  I was satisfied with nuts and dried fruits.  I found this to be amazing.
• I slept better.  I slept deeper and longer with fewer mid-night wake-ups.  So nice!
• I had fewer bladder issues. I don't want to talk about it.
• I was less congested!
• I got less fat in places that surprised me, like my wrists, the area under my boobs, and the upper part of my butt.
• Foods that used to be less tasty became much more tasty.  I actually got to where I LIKED EVOO and Balsamic on my salads.
• I no longer felt like a slave to food cravings.  Even with just 12 hours before the challenge was over, I wasn't much tempted by the pizza I had ordered for the kids.  I took NOT ONE BITE and didn't feel in the least deprived!  

October 4th, 2012 was also the first day I weighed myself since beginning the challenge.  I lost 17 pounds!  S E V E N T E E N  pounds!!! In 30 days!!!!

October 4th, 2012 was also the day that I began the grand experiment of this challenge: To see how your body responds to eating the foods that you haven't eaten for 30 days.  I ate half of a baggie of those Chex Cereal things that have been coated in chocolate and powdered sugar (I gave the other half to Honey which should tell you something).  I ate a Dove chocolate bar that had been sitting on my desk for 2 weeks.  I ate the one thing I had been looking forward to throughout the 30 days - a chicken tostada salad from El Pollo Loco with chips and guacamole.  Other than that, I only ate Whole 30 plan foods.  

Here's how my body responded:

• The chocolate was tasty, I'm not going to lie.  But was it the extremely satisfying wonderful mouth explosion of fun it had been a month ago? Not really.
• Same goes for the tostada salad.
• I felt miserable.  I was bloated and gassy and in pain for 2 days!
• I was so TIRED! I felt like I was coming down with something.  But I wasn't.

October 5th, 2012 was the day I decided that a few minutes of food fun that really isn't as fun as it used to be isn't worth what my body has to go through.

What I learned: When I was eating all the foods I am now choosing not to eat, I was putting my body through a lot of distress that I didn't even notice because it was constant; it was every hour of every day.  It took getting it out of my system to know that.  If I can sleep better, look better, feel better, have fewer potty emergencies, breathe better, and live longer, why would I want to go back to a way of eating that takes all that away?  How completely crazy would I have to be?

I'm just not that crazy.....

Skinny Betch Rises

Whole 30 - Day 9

So, I'm almost one third of the way through the Whole 30 challenge.  I noticed for the first time today that my clothes are a wee bit looser.  I've noticed that my energy levels are, on average, much higher than they've been in years.  I've noticed a distinct decrease in upper abdominal bloating.  I've noticed less water retention in my hands and feet.  I've noticed that this is getting easier, until....

Until I'm faced with a house full of kids that I wasn't anticipating and I think about ordering a pizza for dinner and it causes huge anxiety.

Until it comes time for snack and it's Oreos day and my little right hand (my little Honey) is fine passing out the cookies, but doesn't know what to do with the single cookie leftover, so she waves it in my face saying, "For you, Mommy".

Until I go onto Pinterest.

Until dinner involves cooking for kids who refuse to eat anything green, then having to cook for myself, all the time running a continuous mental list of what I should be doing instead of cooking and cleaning up after two different meals.

<sigh>

OK, rant is over.  All things considered, I'm very glad I'm doing this, and hopefully, all that other stuff will iron itself out with time and repetition and constant planning.  I mean, by definition, this challenge is called Whole 30, not Whole Forever.  The idea is to do it and see in real terms what eating REAL FOOD means; the good, the bad, and the inconvenient.  It's actually something I've wanted to do for quite some time and just haven't.

So what's the problem?  Why, when the results have already been so positive, am I finding difficulty in accepting and embracing the process?

I think it's not the process that's the problem.  I think the problem is that I've once again failed to recognize that I'm an addict.  So many of the things that are better now than they were 10 days ago are better because my body is no longer responding to the allergy/addiction cycle of the foods that are so bad for me.

Some people can have one cookie.  I cannot.  Some people can have a few bites out of a Ben & Jerry's.  I cannot.  Some people can easily, almost EAGERLY share a doughnut with a friend - not me.  I want it all, and I will eat it in private if it will keep me from feeling obligated to share it.  I'm an addict.  I think that the problem is that if I'm real about this, if I am honest about how much this is benefiting me, I have to also recognize that if I can't have one cookie, I should probably not have even one cookie.

So for me.... if it's going to work and do what it's supposed to do, this really is Whole Forever.  And like any addict, I find this to be so daunting and extremely sad; I have to leave my forever love because it's just no good for me.  And if I'm honest, I have to admit that it's breaking my heart.

I'm so sad.  And by sad, I mean pathetic.

Here are my less pathetic goals for the week:
1.  One day at a time, baby!  I know I can do this!
2.  Look for ways to make this easier in terms of LIFE.
3.  Remember daily, maybe even hourly, WHY I'm doing this.  Sure, I want to be thin and wear cute clothes.  But the real reason, the one that matters the most, is that I want to play with my youngest child's children.  And I don't want her to have them until she's graduated college.  Unless she's as brilliant as I think she is and she graduates college at the age of 20, in which case, I want her to be at least 25.  So I need to live at least 20 more years.  I would prefer to live another 40 or more, to be honest.
4.  Get over it!  Seriously!

Skinny Betches really DO shop at Trader Joe's!

Whole 30 - Day 3

AAAAHHHHHHHHH!

No, seriously, it's not that bad. :-)  Yesterday was a little worse, actually.  I had to enter all the meals from my daycare for August into the computer program that tracks that stuff.  So, I had to endure hours of constant suggestions of comfort foods.  Chili dogs, Mac & Cheese, turkey burgers, grilled cheese, etc.  THAT was torturous!  And with every meal, MILK!  I really like milk, but never in my life did I think I would catch myself daydreaming about it!

So yesterday's meals were within the realm of Whole 30 meals, but they were more comforty than is probably recommended.  But it got me through the day.

Today was better.  I started my day with a banana and an apple.  I still didn't have time for a real lunch, but I was fine with a handful of cashews.  Here it is almost 9:00 and I haven't had dinner yet.  I'm realizing that my schedule isn't very conducive to the healthy eating I want to do.  I'm going to have to find a way around that.  Iker suggested prepping stuff ahead of time, which makes a lot of sense, but I'm having difficulty keeping up with the time I have on hand, let alone try to plan ahead.  I do know it's something to work on, though.

Thank the Good Lord for George Foreman!

The good news is that my cravings are far better today than yesterday.  I'm also not very hungry, which is quite nice.  It's a bit early yet, but I haven't yet seen or felt any discernible differences in how I feel, yet, but I'm pretty hopeful.

So, I went to Trader Joe's the other day.  Anybody who's read previous posts might remember that my older daughter told me that Skinny Betches shop there and I had a load of reasons why I didn't want to be that Skinny Betch.  Well, let me tell you, she was right! Trader Joe's is SWIMMING with Skinny Betches!  And they're really nice!  I had conversations with them and everything!  They helped me translate the healthy food-speak that still floats over my head.  They were encouraging as I told them about my challenge, and they had helpful suggestions.  I was quite enlightened and a bit uplifted by my sojourn into the whole food mecca.  I will probably go back!

The Skinny Betch is grumbling....

So, the long, hot summer is almost over, and I've put on a nice layer fat for the winter.  It should keep me nice and warm while I hibernate.  Except that I'M NOT AN EFFING BEAR!

Needless to say, I've more than made up for the 10 pounds I lost last Spring.  Or was it Winter?  Whichever.  Anyway, I was messing around a few weeks ago and posted on Facebook that I was eating something marginally healthy, when all of a sudden, all these people started posting comments about how great it is that I'm eating healthy and taking care of myself.

Now, hold up....

I had a wild hair and decided I wanted some celery and decided to listen to that voice before the voice that wanted Ben & Jerry's got too loud, and all of a sudden I've got virtual cheerleaders trying to make me feel all good and noble about it?  What the...?  I felt two things almost instantaneously: 1) I felt every bit the Fat Chick I know myself to be but have spent the summer hiding from, but only moreso because everybody else seems to agree, and 2) apparently, I'm in danger of exploding if I don't fix this crap and NOW!

Among the comments to my healthy snack post was one from somebody, I don't even remember who now.  She was talking about Whole 30 and a book called It Starts With Food.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.... yawn, yawn, whatever....  Well, I didn't say that.  I said something like, "I hate reading non-fiction so, probably not.  Thanks, though!"  She said, well, just Google Whole30 and take a look.  She added on a "It changed my life!" for good measure.

Alright.  Fine.

So I Googled Whole30 and took a look-see.  What's the first thing I see?

LET US CHANGE YOUR LIFE

In big purple letters.  Well, I'll just be darned.

So I read a bunch of stuff on the website.  Whole 30 is a 30-day challenge to let the Whole 9 way of eating, well... CHANGE YOUR LIFE.  Yes, there's a book, but pretty much everything you need to know about the mechanics of the Whole 9 way of doing things is right there.  The book re-enforces WHY Whole 9 works and is better for you.  Essentially, it's eating only meats, veggies, fruits, and nuts.  It's keeping ingredients to a minimum, and keeping food as "whole" as possible.

It's no dairy, grains (CORN IS A GRAIN), or legumes.  What? No legumes?  No peas or lima beans?  Be still my beating heart!  It's also cutting out all sugars, artificial and otherwise.  I guess sugars that occur naturally, like in fruit, are fine in moderation, but no cane sugar, honey, stevia, or nutrisweet or whatever.

After Googling and look-see-ing, I was very interested, so I got the book.  I have read the first chapter.  That's it.  That's all it took, really.  Today was day one of my own Whole 30 challenge.

Thankfully, I'm not doing this one alone.  My good friend and chief cheerleader, Iker S. is doing this with me.  Today was his day one as well.

As far as Day Ones go, this hasn't been too heinous.  I had two boiled eggs and a bunch of mixed fruit for breakfast.  I didn't have time for a formal lunch, but I had a Lara Bar.  I'll be having turkey burger patties and a spinach salad for dinner.  One concession I'm making, but only until Thursday is Diet Coke.  I can't have a caffeine headache in the middle of my week when children are present and making noise.  It's more danger than I want to take on.

A weird note about this morning: Both Iker and I felt better before we even started our day.  It's hard to explain, but I actually felt thinner and more energetic without even eating a thing!  Just knowing that I was doing this made me feel great!  Like my life was changing or something!


In case you are interested....
Link to Whole30

Grrrr...

Yes, it's been awhile.

I lost 10 pounds. Then I don't know what happened. This is part of my pattern, though, so I guess it's the next thing I need to figure out. I lose weight - a good number that makes me feel good - then I freak out and eat at McDonald's every day for 2 weeks.

Throughout my life, I have had a fairly consistent fear of success. I struggle with it daily. I'm a pretty smart cookie and I get almost straight A's in school, but then I'll have a week when I don't do anything that could help me to continue the success and I have to fight like mad to overcome it and get back on track. I will work like crazy to get myself on solid financial footing and when it looks like I might get close, I go on a spending spree.

And the weight thing. A few years back I had lost more than 50 pounds. I looked pretty good! I felt GREAT! Then a couple of people took notice and complimented me. THE BASTARDS! I gained it all back and then some.

This is my illness, and I don't have a cure.

So I'm back at Square One. Again. I'm very familiar with Square One. We're old buddies, ol' Square One and me.

Actually, I'm getting kind of tired of looking at Square One....

I have a theory, but it kind of makes me sick to my stomach, because I'm so tired of all my life's issues coming back to the same starting point: my father. Ugh! The thing is, I only ever got any attention from him if I failed. Sure, it was horribly painful and demeaning and often humiliating attention, but it was attention. But if I succeeded, I ceased to exist.

I can't imagine that this even matters to me anymore. But I can imagine that this flawed subconscious idea of myself has been the ugly little troll that has been at the controls of my decision making processes for the bulk of my life.

I need to kill that MFing troll.....

Ew. Seriously? So Gross....

I love this commercial! I want those three young Skinny Betches to follow me around too! We could be besties!!!

I read an article not too long ago that said that Skinny Betches don't have Fat Chick friends. Something about being around such lax attitudes about what, when, and how they eat will eventually result in them being fat. I don't have any statistics about that, but I know that I don't really have many Skinny Betch friends. Mostly because they annoy me.

What's more annoying that having a grown person who could use one leg of your pants as a baggie mini-dress, look you dead in the eyes and say, "I'm so freaking fat!" Seriously?

The thing is, it's not just annoying. It's a knife to the heart. If Miss Thang here thinks SHE'S fat, what does she think I am? I don't even want to know the answer to that, frankly.

Also, the fat really only flows one way. The influence of the Fat Chicks might rub off on the Skinny Betch, but rarely if ever is the Fat Chick influenced by the Skinny Betches. A group of Fat Chicks will literally bully a Skinny Betch into eating every bite of a banana split, but a group of Skinny Betches don't have it in them to do the opposite for/to a Fat Chick:

"I'll have a Chef Salad with turkey instead of ham, no cheese, and baby spinach instead of lettuce."

"I'll have the baked salmon with a baked potato. And bring me a to-go box because I already know I'm only going to eat half."

"I'd just like a side salad, with a slice of lemon on the side, please."

The Skinny Betches all look at the Fat Chick expectantly. She looks back with confusion, then scorn on her face. "Screw y'all, I'm having a bacon cheeseburger with onion rings.... What? I didn't eat breakfast...."

"Ew."

"Seriously?"

"That is so gross."

"And I'd also like a chocolate shake with double whipped cream."

Do you know what that means, fellow Fat Chicks? We are above the influence! We could rule the world! If we could get up off our asses! Seriously!

So, since the beginning of the Skinny Betch diet three weeks ago, I've lost 7 pounds! Yay me! I've noticed that my pants are a bit baggier and I have a skosh more energy. I'm the grateful recipient of a new (to me) elliptical machine, so I'm going to try to start using that real soon. I'd have started using it already, but it's not where I want it to be yet, and I'm OCD about stupid stuff like that.

The point is, I'm stepping in the right direction. Baby steps, maybe, but I'm OK with that.

Skinny Betches DANCE!

My middle child and oldest daughter is a Skinny Betch. She's my fact-checker. She also sends me Skinny Betch fun-facts from time to time. Like, Skinny Betches shop at Trader Joe's. Which leads me to one of my own observations about Skinny Betches:

Skinny Betches are usually young, unmarried, and childless. I'm not stating this to give myself an excuse for being a Fat Chick. Rather, I'm wondering what happens in a woman's brain when she gets married and has kids. In my research, I've noticed that Skinny Betches ARE HAPPY being Skinny Betches. Does that change with marriage and kids? I honestly don't know; as I've said, I've never been a Skinny Betch, so I don't have any point of reference.

Now, I know that this isn't true of all married Skinny Betch mothers. My best friend in all the world is a Skinny Betch. She's happily married with two beautiful daughters and at a couple years younger than I, she's a freaking tri-athelete. And I know for a fact, she shops at Trader Joe's!

Here's why I don't shop at Trader Joe's: They are a little more expensive, they aren't anywhere near anyplace I ever need to be, they have less of a variety of the things I need as a single mother/student/full-time in-home day-care provider (easy to cook stuff that kids will eat), and their produce, while beautiful and organic, doesn't last as long as non-organic produce which would mean I have to shop more often. While these things aren't problematic for most Skinny Betches, for this Fat Chick, it just isn't my best option.

So, I wonder what good it will do me to THINK like a Skinny Betch if I can't shop like one....

Skinny Betch daughter also sent me this nugget of wisdom: Skinny Betches dance!

Well, guess what! So do Fat Chicks! We just don't dance where anybody can see us. It's embarrassing. Not to mention dangerous. The potential danger of swinging arm-fat alone is enough to deter even the most intrepid of Fat Chicks; who needs THAT lawsuit hanging over her head?

I applauded the courage of Marissa Winokur and Kirstie Alley when they were on their respective seasons of Dancing with the Stars. I was especially impressed with Kirstie when Max Chmerablah-blah fell under her weight during their rumba, and she just got up and went on as if she didn't know that the whole country was watching and judging and criticizing and probably laughing at her pathetic fatness. And didn't she get the last laugh? She lost all her excess weight and she's HOT now, and back at doing what she loves to do and making loads of money doing it! Good for her!

Kirstie's courage wasn't in dancing; it was in choosing to dance in the most humiliating fashion imaginable. I'm pretty sure I don't have that courage. I know I don't, actually.

I do dance, though. I dance with my youngest all the time, because she dances all the time and she makes me. Also, my mother got me a dance game for my Wii for Christmas. I love it! It's a good cardio workout that doesn't feel like a cardio workout. It's fun, it feeds my competitive nature, and it allows me to dance where it is safe for everybody.

So, I weighed myself today and I'm proud to say that I have lost 4 pounds in the last week! YAY! I've done pretty well with eating better. There was one night that I ate an entire fully-loaded Chipotle burrito in one sitting, but because I knew what I was doing when I did it (meaning, I didn't fool myself into believing that what I was eating wasn't that big of a deal), I ate much less the next day to balance out the calorie overload. I'm not hydrating enough yet, but more than I was, and I haven't seen the inside of an elevator for an entire week! I must say, the first couple of days on the stairs were murderous, but by Friday it was much less painful. Not easy, just let painful.

I have a guy friend who used to weigh more than I do now, and he's now a very healthy and normal weight. I told him once that when I look in the mirror, I don't see myself as the Fat Chick I must be in order to wear the size of clothes that I do. He told me that when he looks in the mirror, he still sees the Fat Dude he used to be. I was absolutely shocked to learn that another friend of mine wears a size 16; I would have sworn on my life that she was larger than I am, but it turns out I'm MUCH larger than she is.

This is how deluded I have allowed myself to be. The psychology of self-image is some strong ju-ju. I think if I can get to the root of that, I might get this licked. I got another app on my iPad that sort of brought me face to face with my own delusions. I entered my weight and height and it gave me an illustrated picture of what I look like. I asked my youngest if this picture was how I looked. She was almost sad when she nodded her head. I just nodded my head back and said, "OK..... ok". Then I cried.

I'm not trying to beat myself up with my fatness. Honestly I'm not. I'm just not sure I can do this, that I can WANT to be a Skinny Betch ENOUGH to stick with this if I don't accept the full reality of what I have become. I've noticed that I have to keep doing it over and over, because I forget. I walk through the emotional fire of acceptance and I think I've got it, then I go to bed and wake up having forgotten the fire entirely.

But Skinny Betches DANCE.... They dance like nobody is watching. Fat Chicks dance like everybody is watching, and most of the people watching are pointing and laughing. But my goal isn't to just acknowledge my Fat Chick-ness, but learn to be and think like a Skinny Betch. I mean, I don't have to rumba, right?

For Realz

I have an iPad. I adore it. Seriously, it is revolutionizing my life. No matter what you want to do, or how you want to do it, I swear on my life, there is an App for that!

Last Tuesday, when I decided to change dietary directions, I got this free App called MyFitnessPal. It's amazing. It is everything Weightwatchers.com is, minus the twenty bucks a month out of pocket. It's actually a little bit more, because I can take it with me!

For the last six days, while I've been observing Skinny Betches, I've also been observing my own dietary habits. I've come to the conclusion that I am a master at self-deception.

When I first downloaded the App, I had to set up my profile. I entered in my current weight, and the weight I'd like to be. Then I entered in the amount of weight I'd like to lose per week. Initially, I was quite overjoyed by the fact that I could personally ingest exactly 2,120 calories and still lose one pound per week. YAY!

But wait a minute....

That is a LOT of calories. I have to eat a LOT of calories to weigh less than I do now, which means that I've been eating an ENORMOUS amount of calories to be this fat. Not only have I been eating enough calories to be this fat, I've actually managed to eat even more than THAT, because I haven't been maintaining, I've been gaining. Holy CRAP! How can this fact possibly have escaped my notice? I literally eat enough to sustain two people!

After getting past that mental hurdle, I started getting honest with myself. I spent this last week logging everything I NORMALLY eat, without restraint and with complete honesty about the portion sizes and everything. I came in under that enormous calorie level exactly ONE TIME. Holy freaking CRAP!

My mother is an amazing woman and probably my biggest cheerleader in everything I do. When I started this blog, I wanted her input and her honest opinion. She said that probably the only thing that she would change is the fact that I call myself and women who are not Skinny Betches, "Fat Chicks". She said that people in her circles of acquaintance feel uncomfortable when she calls herself fat, and she likewise felt uncomfortable with me calling myself fat.

Well guess what. I'm FAT. I'm a FAT CHICK. I'm not simply overweight, or big-boned, or slow metabolismed, or fluffy, or plump. I'm FAT. Softening the language doesn't soften the reality of the fact that I have a problem. Just like it doesn't help when the friends and family of an alcoholic says that their friend just likes to have a good time, it doesn't help me, or any other Fat Chick, for my friends and family make the conscious decision, no matter how well-meaning, to enable my self-destructive habits by denying their existence. I'm not going to say that food is an addiction, but my behavior is not at all different from that of an addict's, and I can't afford to care about other peoples' feelings when I decide to once and for all call a spade a Fat Chick. It is what it is.

So tomorrow it begins. I'm ditching the roll-around backpack, and packing a bottle of water and a granola bar. I'm not a Skinny Chick by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm going to "fake it 'til I make it". I'm a Fat Chick on a Skinny Betch mission, y'all. I'll let you know how it goes! :-)

And because this post wasn't really funny, here's somebody else's funny to compensate....

In a Manner of Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking about The Skinny Betch Diet. I've been doing some research as well. And by "research", I mean, "spent some time watching Skinny Betches in their natural habitats and comparing them to myself who is NOT a Skinny Betch."

So, what is the natural habitat of the Skinny Betch? As far as I've been able to ascertain, Skinny Betches can be most commonly found in one of three places: in and around any mall location of Victoria's Secret, in and around any gym that offers Zumba classes, or, in and around any college campus. As it would be downright ridiculous for me to even try to pretend I could possibly have any business in a Victoria's Secret, and I have actual allergic reactions to the gym, I centered my research around the college campus. Plus, I'm there 5 days a week anyway, so....

So far, my research has yielded some interesting results. I've been able to identify strong correlations, if not cause, between the thinking and habits of Skinny Betches and those of Fat Chicks. Of course I can't speak for the Skinny Betch, but for the Fat Chick..., well, THIS Fat Chick, there is a sort of chicken/egg conundrum: Do I have the thinking and habits I have because I am fat, or am I fat because I have the thinking and habits that I have? I can't say what came first, but I do know that one compounds upon the other in a continuous cycle, and thus, I keep getting fatter. One or the other's going to have to change and since I can't wave the proverbial magic wand and make myself a Skinny Betch, I'm going to have to train myself how to think like one. Hence, everything this blog is about.

So, here are some things that I've noticed:

1. Skinny Betches don't ever let themselves get more than just a little teeny bit hungry. At the first sign that hunger might occur, they whip out (gasp!) a piece of fruit or a granola bar or something mostly healthy! I noticed this in my Human Sexuality class last semester, but it didn't register until I saw it happen a few other times this past week. In that class, I sat a few chairs down from a Skinny Betch, and every day before class started, like clockwork, she would pull out from her backpack a granola bar or a banana. And every single day, like clockwork, I would sit through that class, marking time until it would end and I could sprint (yeah, not really) to the student cafe, stomach grumbling and clenching in near starvation (did I mention that I'm often given to hyperbole?) Which brings me to observation #2....

2. Skinny Betches seem to have an internal clock, or maybe they just know the importance of a schedule, that lets them know that it is time to eat. I've raised 2 1/2 kids (one is still growing) and I have an in-home daycare. I've fed a lot of babies and I've never been a proponent of feeding a baby on a schedule. Babies are constantly growing and their needs are constantly changing, and they don't have the slightest idea of how to tell time. So, if they indicate that they are hungry, I feed them. It's really the only ethical thing to do. I've made the mistake of applying that philosphy to myself. Except that I don't really want to be constantly growing. So, in thinking about the above observation, had I scheduled breakfast before class, along with bringing that backpack snack mentioned in observation #1, I might not have ever felt the need to eat ridiculous amounts of food for lunch.

(This all might seem to be common sense, and as I type it I am wondering how it is I didn't know it on a practical level.)

3. Skinny Betches always, and I mean always have a bottle of water with them. This will now be one of my mantras: "A Skinny Betch is a Hydrated Betch!"

4. Skinny Betches never, and I mean NEVER take the elevator. Where I actually bought an L.L.Bean rolling backpack specifically so that I would not have to take the stairs, no self-respecting Skinny Betch would ever forego the stairs, no matter what! She could be on crutches due to a volleyball injury, but she would rather die than be seen anywhere near the elevator. The Good Lord forbid that she is seen by a Fat Chick on an elevator; "Oh, yeah, Skinny Betch, you're one of us now, aren't you? Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Might as well cut up the Victoria's Secret card right now.... It's just a matter of time."

The above observations don't seem to be just habits. I honestly believe that there isn't a Skinny Betch alive that deliberates over whether to take the stairs or the elevator. I believe that most Skinny Betches, if asked, would not be able to tell you where an elevator might be in any given multi-story building. I think this is because the word "elevator" isn't in their vocabulary. Along with "seconds", "plus-size", or "palpitations".

Coincidence? I think not.

The Skinny Betch Diet or Confessions of a Fat Chick

Today was supposed to be Day 14 of my Atkins Diet which was going to melt away all of my fat until I could fit into the cute cheap clothes in the Not Fat Chick section of Target. I long for that day. I had commitment to the diet, but my stomach had other ideas. I would be on the diet for about 3 days, then nausea and diarrhea would ensue and would only go away if I ingested a glob of carbs, like a biscuit or piece of pizza. This happened 3 times in the last 2 weeks, so I'm giving up that ghost.

Instead of Atkins Diet, Day 14, it is now The Skinny Betch Diet, Day -6. It's Day -6 because I'll be starting it on Monday the 23rd. I need that time to actually develop the diet, see. I also need that time to eat up all the stuff that I'm pretty sure Skinny Betches don't eat. For instance, I have a bag of Mother's Circus Animal frosted cookies on my desk as I write this. No, the irony isn't lost at all, I'm just ignoring it.

Never having been a particularly Skinny Betch myself, I'm not sure what they eat. I'm pretty sure they don't single-handedly eat entire bags of frosted cookies, though. I'm also fairly certain they don't eat half a pizza in a sitting. In fact, the single-most prevalent thing I notice about Skinny Betches when they eat is that they eat a bite, then talk for 20 minutes, then eat another bite, then talk for another 20 minutes, then they take another bite, declare themselves to be Fat Cows, then they throw the rest away. Unless, of course, there is a Fat Chick at the table, in which case the Skinny Betch will ask the Fat Chick, with not one speck of guile, if the Fat Chick would like to finish her meal; she hates to throw food away if she doesn't have to.

Another thing I've noticed is that Skinny Betches have no problem going to a Denny's and ordering weird. Like, "I'd like the fish & chips, but can you poach the fish instead of frying it? And instead of tarter sauce, can I have lemon juice and a side order of light ranch dressing, and can I just have half of the normal french fries and then a very small salad, also with lemon and a side of light ranch dressing and croutons on the side. And a Diet Coke." Always a Diet Coke - I have that one licked! Skinny Betches are Skinny because they order food like this and only eat half of it. They are Betches because they make somebody else cook it. They can also split a single dessert 4 ways and still have half of it left on the dish, citing mutual Fat Cow-ness as the reason for leaving it. I'm not good at that one at all!

Also, disproportionate amounts of them seem to play volleyball. That's not happening unless there's a Wii version.