Skinny Betch Rises

Whole 30 - Day 9

So, I'm almost one third of the way through the Whole 30 challenge.  I noticed for the first time today that my clothes are a wee bit looser.  I've noticed that my energy levels are, on average, much higher than they've been in years.  I've noticed a distinct decrease in upper abdominal bloating.  I've noticed less water retention in my hands and feet.  I've noticed that this is getting easier, until....

Until I'm faced with a house full of kids that I wasn't anticipating and I think about ordering a pizza for dinner and it causes huge anxiety.

Until it comes time for snack and it's Oreos day and my little right hand (my little Honey) is fine passing out the cookies, but doesn't know what to do with the single cookie leftover, so she waves it in my face saying, "For you, Mommy".

Until I go onto Pinterest.

Until dinner involves cooking for kids who refuse to eat anything green, then having to cook for myself, all the time running a continuous mental list of what I should be doing instead of cooking and cleaning up after two different meals.

<sigh>

OK, rant is over.  All things considered, I'm very glad I'm doing this, and hopefully, all that other stuff will iron itself out with time and repetition and constant planning.  I mean, by definition, this challenge is called Whole 30, not Whole Forever.  The idea is to do it and see in real terms what eating REAL FOOD means; the good, the bad, and the inconvenient.  It's actually something I've wanted to do for quite some time and just haven't.

So what's the problem?  Why, when the results have already been so positive, am I finding difficulty in accepting and embracing the process?

I think it's not the process that's the problem.  I think the problem is that I've once again failed to recognize that I'm an addict.  So many of the things that are better now than they were 10 days ago are better because my body is no longer responding to the allergy/addiction cycle of the foods that are so bad for me.

Some people can have one cookie.  I cannot.  Some people can have a few bites out of a Ben & Jerry's.  I cannot.  Some people can easily, almost EAGERLY share a doughnut with a friend - not me.  I want it all, and I will eat it in private if it will keep me from feeling obligated to share it.  I'm an addict.  I think that the problem is that if I'm real about this, if I am honest about how much this is benefiting me, I have to also recognize that if I can't have one cookie, I should probably not have even one cookie.

So for me.... if it's going to work and do what it's supposed to do, this really is Whole Forever.  And like any addict, I find this to be so daunting and extremely sad; I have to leave my forever love because it's just no good for me.  And if I'm honest, I have to admit that it's breaking my heart.

I'm so sad.  And by sad, I mean pathetic.

Here are my less pathetic goals for the week:
1.  One day at a time, baby!  I know I can do this!
2.  Look for ways to make this easier in terms of LIFE.
3.  Remember daily, maybe even hourly, WHY I'm doing this.  Sure, I want to be thin and wear cute clothes.  But the real reason, the one that matters the most, is that I want to play with my youngest child's children.  And I don't want her to have them until she's graduated college.  Unless she's as brilliant as I think she is and she graduates college at the age of 20, in which case, I want her to be at least 25.  So I need to live at least 20 more years.  I would prefer to live another 40 or more, to be honest.
4.  Get over it!  Seriously!