I lost 10 pounds. Then I don't know what happened. This is part of my pattern, though, so I guess it's the next thing I need to figure out. I lose weight - a good number that makes me feel good - then I freak out and eat at McDonald's every day for 2 weeks.
Throughout my life, I have had a fairly consistent fear of success. I struggle with it daily. I'm a pretty smart cookie and I get almost straight A's in school, but then I'll have a week when I don't do anything that could help me to continue the success and I have to fight like mad to overcome it and get back on track. I will work like crazy to get myself on solid financial footing and when it looks like I might get close, I go on a spending spree.
And the weight thing. A few years back I had lost more than 50 pounds. I looked pretty good! I felt GREAT! Then a couple of people took notice and complimented me. THE BASTARDS! I gained it all back and then some.
This is my illness, and I don't have a cure.
And the weight thing. A few years back I had lost more than 50 pounds. I looked pretty good! I felt GREAT! Then a couple of people took notice and complimented me. THE BASTARDS! I gained it all back and then some.
This is my illness, and I don't have a cure.
So I'm back at Square One. Again. I'm very familiar with Square One. We're old buddies, ol' Square One and me.
Actually, I'm getting kind of tired of looking at Square One....
I have a theory, but it kind of makes me sick to my stomach, because I'm so tired of all my life's issues coming back to the same starting point: my father. Ugh! The thing is, I only ever got any attention from him if I failed. Sure, it was horribly painful and demeaning and often humiliating attention, but it was attention. But if I succeeded, I ceased to exist.
I can't imagine that this even matters to me anymore. But I can imagine that this flawed subconscious idea of myself has been the ugly little troll that has been at the controls of my decision making processes for the bulk of my life.
I need to kill that MFing troll.....
